The victim is a very powerful orientation.

Someone who is in victim orientation is there because it serves their needs.  They are getting something out of it.  It might be attention or sympathy and support for their situation.  It might also be financial.

I lived in victim mode for most of my life.  I didn’t realize there was another way to behave in relationships. By playing the victim, I denied my own power and creativity. Denying your inherent inner power creates a victim, no matter what has happened in your past.

When I began to realize that I could choose out of being the victim, I started getting curious.  When I felt myself doing the ‘poor me‘ dance, I would stop and ask – why do you want to be a victim here?  What are you going to get out of it?

When I realized I was the one creating the drama in my life, I saw that I could choose out of it, one situation at a time.

I suck at validating people who are in their victim orientation.

When someone shows up in their Eeyore suit; that ‘poor pitiful me’ orientation, I recognize that they are choosing that, but I suck at being the validation that they are seeking.  Instead of seeing a victim, I see a powerful being choosing to pretend that they are helpless or suffering under the circumstances.

They have a story and are looking for characters to play roles in that story.

If you don’t validate a victim’s stories, they can get very pissed off at you.  You may be considered lacking in empathy or kindness.  Often they will decide that you are wrong and will cast you in the villain role.

Improv is a great game to play.

When my partner and I decided to break the habit of victim, we would invite each other to play a game.  It’s fun to turn it all the way up, exaggerate the victim-hood until you are all lying on the floor laughing.  Sometimes this kind of exaggeration lets you release that thing you’ve been holding onto with a leather grip.

When you call yourself out this way, when you point out how much you are playing the victim and how silly it is, you are offering a different point of view, the possibility of looking at things in another way.

Compassion can be pity in disguise.

Victims often want you to empathize with them, to feel their pain with them.  They are asking you to roll down into their cesspool of pity and lie there with them.  They are unhappy with you when you won’t climb down and join them.  They want you to feel their pain with them.

I sometimes wonder why they won’t climb up to join me in a life of joy and aliveness instead?


This discussion is infused with the energy of Seducing Aliveness, where two inspiring hosts reveal some controversial ideas.