What if there was a different way to ‘do’ relationships? Are you interested in making a change?
When you begin a new relationship, you are creating something together. You have a chance to do things differently, to change the channel. When I first got together with my current partner I told him up front:
‘I don’t play the blame game.’
‘When I am feeling triggered by something, I know it is my own debris that is triggering me. I am responsible for that, not you. I might take a time out and sort it out. I want you to know that it is not about you, it is about me.’
If you can start the conversation and keep talking, it really helps create that space of trust between you. If you can agree not to go into judgment about things that come up, you will avoid the separation that comes with that.
How often do you have conversations like that? When you say that you want to create a relationship based on choice, allowance and freedom, a conversation like that is what is required.
When you are trying to create a change in your relationship it is important to recognize when you are slipping into old habits. You need to recognize what your stop points are.
A stop point is when you throw the brakes on: back it up Jack.
Recognize that this is an old behaviour from an old relationship. Do you want to step into that old hornets nest and keep that in your current relationship? Get clear about what you are trying to do and stop yourself before you repeat yourself. Invite your partner to be your playmate in this experiment. Tell them that you want to make a change, do things in a different way and ask them to be your ally in this.
You could say this: “Hey, I value our relationship. I noticed that I felt this way when that occurred. I noticed that I am triggered and I want to clear away my old debris so that it doesn’t affect me each time it comes up. I want to move through the emotion of the trigger and have it be gone forever. I would like to change my orientation around it. Will you be my advocate in changing that?”
“Let’s create a space of trust and non judgment. Let’s create a space where we are not trying to be right all the time, a space where we allow each other to be, choose and do what each of us wants to be, choose and do.”